CHASING CROWNS: THE PAGEANT DIARIES—THE UGLY DUCKLING

Sapphire

     I’m through, bitches!

     I’m gonna win Naija Girl coz Mumsie will make sure of dat. In dis world, money talks, and if ur loaded, life is sweet. Money is good. Money is power. 

     Those other girls might as well give up. 

      I thought d contest woz called Naija Girl. Wat woz dat half-caste girl in the pink bikini doing there? She thinks she’s better than everyone else coz she’s fair? Rubbish. They were right 2 get rid of that blacker-than-black girl though. Gertrude later told Momsie d girl woz nearly chosen until Gertrude came up wit an excuse 2 take her out of d competition. Mumsie would have skinned her alive if she rejected me after all dat dough we gave her. Yeah, i missed d 1-2-2 interview, but who cares?

     Ha ha.

     They say bribery is wrong…they can shut their dirty mouths. Being honest gets u nowhere. Would Popsie have made his billions if he hadn’t played dirty? Am 24, am not getting younger, and dis could be my last chance 2 become a beauty queen.

     Do u blame me, Diary? I followed d proper process when i did Miss Naija UK 2 years ago, and no 1 cared. At list i woz slimmer back then, and d judges crowned a light-skinned girl with a British accent? Dis time, wit Mumsie’s help, i will conquer dat half-caste’s ass.

     Do you really blame me? U think it’s easy being d ugly duckling in d family? My older sister Amethyst worked as a model 4 2 years in South Africa and France b4 she got married. My younger sister Emerald always gets recognised in public coz she did a cocoa butter advert a few years ago. My other sister Ruby woz approached 2 compete in Naija Girl last year, but she turned dem down bcoz she’s not interested. Even Mumsie gets d “u look good 4 ur age” comment 100 x a day. And me? I look exactly like Popsie, unlike my sisters who look like Mumsie. 

     Of course i still have some more work 2 do. Mumsie has booked me a hair appointment at Femi, d hottest hair salon in town. Maybe i can get a blond weave, I know I’ll look better than dat other girl in blond. Mary, or whateva her name is. I also have to go to dat lady who does Amethyst’s facials. These stupid pimples r really getting me down. And I’ll ask Mumsie to get me d best Ebonee Jade evening gown money can buy. And i have to design my African costume. And start going 2 d gym.

     Am officially a beauty contestant. Time 4 me 2 shut down dis laptop and celebrate wit a cheeseburger and fries and strawberry ice cream. Yeah!

 

 

Tips on how to win a pageant: You may try to bribe the judges/organisers, but another contestant may offer more money, slimming down your own chances of victory. Don’t give bribes!

 

NEXT: ANNIE’S DIARYSEX SCANDAL?

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